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Testimony: Prostitution, Sacrifice, mental illness, Latuda

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I’m sharing a little about my accounts with Suicide. I’m also sharing how God has kept me since I haven’t been able to get my medication for three days. Sidenote: Feeling pressured by dark thoughts into prostitution is what led me to my first suicide attempt.

I saw the video i don’t know how much y’all can see it at i don’t know how much y’all can see it at but i’ve never tried to do a video like this i’m gonna try to do it i guess so today was a busy day i went got a protection on that violin ex-boyfriend that i had so i got court date coming here soon but i don’t know i was feeling inspired today to share some

Things about my medication that i take i have been on for a year a medication called latoya that is actually is advertised quite often for bipolar disorder but i’m just being honest i was actually diagnosed with gets off schizoaffective which is signs of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder but i don’t think that i’m neither maybe a little bipolar but definitely

Not a schizophrenic i do not have voices in my head the mistake that i made when i first actually spoke with a psychiatrist was i said voices but i later realized that it was not voices it was actually unreal thoughts so pretty much what i had been suffering with was i was bombarded with these dark dark thoughts thoughts of worthy like worthlessness thoughts that

Was trying to make me feel that the only thing that i would be able to become if i the only thing that i could become was a prostitute like honest just being honest and throwing it out there on the table these thoughts was stalking my mind i had a few other incidents that i had back in 2014 but it was weird because i was engaged to this guy and i would have these

These thoughts that was accusing people who actually started off before i was engaged with the job that i was working and it would be these people who these people who worked or not worked but what coming to this bar i worked at it was saying that these people was pedophiles and all kinds of stuff and then later when i got engaged to this guy i found out that his

Dad actually was in jail because he raped his granddaughter and they had a baby together and then later i had thoughts while we was engaged after we got a dog that he actually was he was he was doing something with dog inappropriately so i eventually had thoughts that was warning me letting me know that if i stayed in the situation that i would eventually want

To kill these people because you know my heart actually goes out to kids i don’t have any kids but one thing that really disturbs me is you know people who destroy the innocence of a child i really don’t like that you know so to me it made sense that if i found it out that these people actually was pedophiles and that they were you know hurting these kids that

I might snap and he had access to a gun i had access to his gun i might have shot somebody so i eventually listen which is kind of weird but after listening they all stopped and i didn’t get bombarded with these thoughts again probably until like late 2016 2017 and it wasn’t in the same manner to say yes there were a few situations with people that kind of was

Inappropriate and i was just like whoa but it was never like traumatic like it was back in 2014 but um i had been dealing with a lot of thoughts that was negative and i did not want them to define me nor was i going to allow these thoughts to define me so i sought help my first time actually getting help was not by my own will i actually attempted suicide thought

I had got a hold of some opiate pills and it was really nothing but amitriptyline pills and i took about 20 of them in hopes that i would not wake up anymore and i woke up my mom called me you know and she was just like someone wasn’t right about me so she sent my cousin to check on me and you know he eventually helped me and i had to go to a mental institution

Because of the suicide attempt and i shared with the psychiatrist there what i experienced in 2014 per se and i did share with her that i was still experiencing a lot of dark thoughts it was hard for me to describe cuz i felt like i was just i was like the only person who wasn’t with these thoughts you know and it’s really weird because the last place that worked

I was working at this restaurant and this girl i kind of was honest with her and i told her what i had been experiencing and she was just like well it’s good that you you know you recognize that something’s wrong because most people would just go along with it and i was just thinking like is everybody else going along with this and i’m known not going along with

It you know but at the end of the day i have made my decision i will never go along with what’s going on in my head you know there’s a lot of people who you know believe in a lot of different things spiritually i’ve been through it all you know what i’m saying i have definitely denied christ in my life because i felt like he was not blessing me and where were you

And where are you when all these kids are being molested and you know it was a lot of anger that i had towards god in christ in particularly just met that you know there was no help for the innocent and it turned me away and i was trying to get into all this other craziness but all that stuff that i went through it brought those thoughts more into my life of this

Just this is how you’re supposed to live this is who you are in other words that you know being a prostitute it’s supposed to be who i am and and i’m supposed to live like this and if i don’t start living like this it will tell me i’m gonna be homeless you know what i’m saying these thoughts you know and i was just like wow like you know there’s no way that this

Is what i have to announce you you know in no shade to anybody who whose life have led them you know down this road and you know they have to live a certain way to survive or whatever i don’t personally believe that you have to live that way there’s a lot of other different ways to make money there’s a lot of jobs out here in this world you don’t have to live that

Way and you don’t have to take that you know as far as anybody trying to pimp you out you know what i’m saying there’s there’s help out there and i know for a fact there’s help out there going through this whole situation with domestic violence that there is help for people who are going through certain things like that and i hope that anybody who does find this

Video seeks help if they need help in that manner but um i want to get into my medication i have i don’t know if i said this earlier video you guys i have bad memory because of the medication but i will say this if you are dealing with dark thoughts and thoughts of feelings of worthlessness and just like i would have late just thoughts are you stupid is stupid

Like it will be a constant your stupid energy but it wasn’t all the time it would only be when i was around certain people and certain energies negative people definitely when i’m around negative people i would be you know attacked with these these thoughts so if you’re dealing with that i do recommend legit for that but you will have to you know risk losing your

Memory a little bit but i wanted to share that i have been without my medication for three days and today i was supposed to go pick it up but i can’t go pick it up cuz it’s too late so it’s gonna be four days that i’m gonna be without this medication in the past i’ve had you know thoughts come to me almost as soon as it was time for me to take my medicine again but

Since i have put my foot down on the devil denied my flesh and gave my life to christ wholeheartedly humbly and asked him to cover me and protect me i pray my warfare prayer every night i had been printed in the morning i prayed it at night i have been feeling covered i have not felt you know like that anxiety that comes with these dark thoughts of me being this

This you know this character you know what i’m saying i have not had it it’s like it can’t affect me now you know under the same and it’s almost like i don’t want to take the medication anymore i want to see how long i can go without the medication because you know right now i feel like i’m in the graces of god and i don’t feel like you know that there’s anything

For me to worry my auntie told me you know during christmas break she i would always say i’m crazy and she was like no you’re not crazy you know i’m saying you’re healed amber you are healed she just kept telling me i was healed you know what i’m saying and the fact of the matter is it does appear as if i am healed right now and i have you know nothing but great

Graciousness you know to god for it because he’s keeping me you know what i’m saying it can’t be nothing else what else could it be you know what i’m saying am i just that crazy where i have the ability to turn it on and off if i did you guys do not understand what i have been through in my past i have had more than one suicide attempt that was not my first the

Last one that i had i i was throwing up my medication because i was probably doing something i had no business doing but i was throwing up my medication and i ended up having the talk dark thoughts come back and it was like they bombarded me you know like they just all came back like uh-huh at one time just like i hit like a train hit me you know what i’m saying

And the only thing that i can think of to stop them was to take as many benadryl as i could in hopes cuz i had heard about somebody being successful in killing themselves with benadryl so i felt like i could do it too you know what i’m saying so i took as many benadryl as i could it wasn’t enough you know i didn’t even go to sleep you know i was in a hospital for

A day and i did not even go to sleep i couldn’t even sleep when i got to the to the mental institution i couldn’t even sleep it was so weird it was just like god was just like you’re not going to sleep i’m not gonna let you go to sleep cuz that’s what i was altima trying to do i was altima trying to you know go to sleep in our wake up but oh just thinking about those

Things it just really hurts my spirit because i just i can’t believe i like now that i’m in this grace of god i can’t believe that i try to take myself out you know what i’m saying like i have a whole new mind right now like god won’t truly cleanse your mind if you give yourself to him but you can’t come to him which oh you know which old yoyoyo ones like well you

I can’t worship you god if you give me this like he don’t he don’t get down with that like for like you’re in the curse doing it you know what i’m saying tell you better off just it’s just trying to be ignorant and going out here doing whatever you want to do because honestly and truthfully the devil ain’t gonna fool with you if you’re out here doing what you want

To do and you know but but don’t expect to get in god’s you know kingdom if you out here doing what you want to do and not what you know god asks you to do and not what jesus asks you to do which is refrain from your sin a lot of people don’t want to refrain from their seeing and it’s a lot of people preaching this prosperity right now and it’s it’s nothing that you

Have to do but believe in a thing about it is you know i don’t have you know what i’m not even gonna go into that because i don’t like to judge people and i don’t want to judge nobody else’s ministry you know but i i’m not filled up by you know what i’m saying when i live in sin god wasn’t blessing me you know what i’m saying there’s no way the only time i could

Remember feeling like i was blessed and i’m gonna tell y’all right now this was the craziest thing but the only time i can feel like i was blessed was when i was working in the strip club that’s the only time i felt like i was blessed like i feel like i’m just the type of energy that i can’t just be you know regular you know what i’m saying i have to either be out

Here on this level or i need to deny my flesh and get myself to christ and that’s what i’m in right now and that’s what i’m sharing with you guys right now it’s my journey after giving my life to christ wholeheartedly unapologetically you know what i’m saying living for christ and wanting to hear those words on my last day you know well done you good and faithful

Servant you know that’s what i want to hear you know what i’m saying that’s the only thing i want to hear i don’t want it i don’t want to hear nothing from the world i just want to hear well done my good and faithful servant from my god you know what i’m saying and i’m hoping that you know i don’t know if i share early with you guys but i had an interview earlier

That i get a new job and i’m starting another one tonight i’m a shopper so i’ll be making groceries for people on the side but everything is about to change for me and i know god is about to bless me like i have no doubt about it in my heart you know and in my mind like he is going to a blessing he is going to show me his mercy you know what i’m saying they said

That 2019 was gonna be the year of a miracle i already feel the miracle i already feel the miracle you guys because i have not taken that medication and y’all don’t understand you don’t understand when i was throwing up that medicine and how it just came on me so hard you know but i will say this the dark thoughts they wouldn’t stop me when i was by myself they

Would only stop me when i was around negative energies and negative people you know what i’m saying that day i just so happened to be in a negative environment you know and i’m standing i was not welcome to where i was at by one particular person and i felt that energy so strong it made me more to take myself out cuz i wasn’t strong in god you know what i’m saying

I hadn’t had my faith build up the way i needed it to be builded built up you know what i’m saying but uh i guess i’m done ranting i’m sitting out here on the river i think i’m gonna try to show y’all the river and memphis know if y’all can see i wish i could turn my camera around why it’s like recording but i’m out here on the river and memphis i don’t know if

Y’all can see the pyramid or not i can’t see it oh yeah that’s right there yeah that’s the pyramid right there this is a nice calm place i think i might do videos here often it’s often as i possibly clean probably when i’m shopping i’ll probably come out here and do a video because i have a go across the river to arkansas to shop because i hit a long story high

Ended up with that but but yeah this is the end of my video i did my rent i hope i could help somebody in some some way with this video and may the lord be with you and may he bless you and may he keep you and i love y’all

Transcribed from video
Testimony: Prostitution, Sacrifice, mental illness, Latuda By Amber B